Once I was very ill with an asthma attack. I wasn’t quite sure I’d see the light of another day, so my pastor came to pray for me. He asked me how I thought I was doing.
I struggled to get another breath and rasped: “I… think… I… am… doing… pretty… well.”
He shook his head and said, “In that case I am not sure my prayers will help very much.
At the time I didn’t understand what he meant. Now I do.
Let me explain.
The Great Christian
How I mistook Bible knowledge for knowing the Shepherd
I once was a great Christian.
At least, I was convinced of the fact.
After all, I read the Word of God. Lots of it.
I had enough Bible knowledge to win arguments, quote obscure verses and impress people who didn’t know any better. My life, at least in my own eyes, stood out as a shining beacon on the mountain of victory; a small mountain, perhaps no more than a molehill, but still a mountain of sorts.
But, in many ways I was only beating the air.
A conundrum, truly.
All that Word that I had stored in my mind, all that knowledge and all the perceived wisdom… That should have been enough for great success, wonderful peace and an enduring sense of stability.
And yet, it wasn’t.
A disturbing sense of anxiety was never far away.
Deep inside, insecurity reigned. Sure, the Lord was my Shepherd but the promised green pastures were not the fields I was grazing in. And the still waters? If those waters were still, I certainly wasn’t.
I read about the icons of Christianity. They were children of God with radiant faces, who wrote about the faith that moved mountains. Believers who possessed a humility that spoke louder than a thousand sermons.
But that wasn’t me.
Why did I not experience that same joy? After all, wasn’t I humble like them?
Of course I was. I just had to be.
I forced myself to believe I had learned the needed lessons in humility.
But what actually does ‘true humility’ mean?
Good question. Honestly, I couldn’t answer it without a stammer. Particularly disturbing was the lack of joy in my life.
Could the devil be blamed?
Anxiety, fear, weakness in temptation? All those bad vibes come from Satan. Every great Christian faced struggles. Even Jesus Himself had to do battle with the prince of darkness. I would not be an exception.
Perhaps there was spiritual warfare involved. But I failed to see that the enemy did not need to create all my struggles; my own pride did a fine job without him.
Take it from me, it takes serious effort to masquerade pride and make it look like humility. But credit where credit is due, the devil was sure eager to help. Isn’t he the one who wrote the book Pride for Dummies: How to Disguise the Desire for Greatness as Spiritual Maturity?
That is one bad book you should not have in your library.
But God is not mocked, and what He plans He will bring to completion. He is the One who cannot be deceived, and that is where the miracle lies.
Day after day and moment by moment, He prunes the tree of self and transforms it into a tree of righteousness. The knife goes deep into human pride; a formidable, but very subtle enemy.
How it hurts, but how good it is.
And God, in His mercy always keeps pruning, even until the day I too may cross the Jordan river. Acquainted with all my thoughts and self-centred efforts, He is not surprised. He doesn’t tire. I am precious in His sight, just like you.
Some call it a work in progress. Some call it grace. Others prefer mercy. Whatever it is, it is a miracle. Not only does Jesus not stop pruning but He stands with His arms wide open, while promising that He who has begun a good work in you will fulfil it in the end.
So, finally, a curious thing happened.
Slowly, ever so slowly, some of the scales of pride fell off through the storms, the setbacks and the affliction. Oh joy.
I began to look at the Word through new eyes. Most of my life I read Psalm 23 and agreed it was a nice, inspiring picture. Good material to stuff in the empty spots of my mind. That way I didn’t have to deal too much with my lack of peace.
But now the Word took on a whole new meaning.
A shepherd… I had a Shepherd, a living Savior who would literally take me with Him and teach me unspeakable things about life.
Even as a believer, for the longest time, I was blind to the true riches hidden in the Word of God.
The bread of life was somehow never truly digested.
The water of the Word did not reach down to the darkest corners of my heart.
That’s what pride does.
It makes you read the Word through different glasses. Glasses that reveal only the surface truth, but will never let you go deeper. It keeps the truth from seeping through.
I still stumble. I still find traces of pride hiding in places I thought were already surrendered. But now I recognize the Shepherd’s voice. I no longer need to prove that I am strong, wise or spiritually successful. I only need to follow Him to the place where He wants to meet with me.
And there I find Him, in the green pastures… a warm smile on His face.
Beautiful, JK!! Thank you!